vag-havers and the nature of humankind.

novermber 15, 2009

it’s our story. it’s all our story. i write it this way because it’s my motherfucking story. you don’t have to understand. you don’t have to even pretend that you like it. it wouldn’t matter anyway, because you know it’s true. or maybe you don’t. but if that is the case, i feel bad for you. some people get it, some people don’t. i’m not trying to be boastful when i say these things, i just know that some things are and some things aren’t.

i live in ybor with these two amazing men. these people who are classified as “men.” they’re the most gentle, good-natured, soft-hearted people to ever exist. it’s not about being a complete asshole that classifies you as “man.” if that were the case, many of the vag-havers that i know would be some of the biggest men i’ve ever encountered. it’s not about whether or not you have the ability to do something, it’s whether or not you’re able to keep someone else in check. i have you. there’s no getting away now. claws in, teeth sunk, you smell terrific kind of attack. god i love those. love hurts. second down.

these boys watch a lot of football. i’ve never really had a problem with football. my dad has always watched it, and i played flag-football growing up. i was the quarterback and wide-receiver – it just depended on the opponent. i don’t really remember all about it, i just remember that i was good at it. maybe that’s when my dad stopped liking me. when i stopped playing football. or maybe when i stopped playing sports in general. or maybe when i told him that i liked vag-havers.

i wish i had a stenographer in my head. a brain stenographer. i go through an array of like 53 emotions in like ten seconds. but then sometimes i cut them off altogether. i think i’m only able to feel certain emotions. i think that maybe i was programmed to only be allowed to feel certain things. i feel passion. i feel curiosity. i feel what i would say the definition of love is – the mutual respect of two people. or three people. or however many people. love knows no bounds, it just knows knows a collective understanding. if mixed with attraction, it’s a deadly cocktail. maybe i should say a lively cocktail.

i’ve started to respect football more. i see why my roommates like it so much. first of all, it’s like a four hour escape. who doesn’t love that? you can do whatever you want in your mind for the next four hours. i usually have tea parties with historical figures. that’s just me. as i say this, at exactly midnight on november 16, while i’m smoking a cigarette on the porch, a man from across the street comes out of his house talking to his friend about the colts and the patriots. i kid you not.

…

i sit on the couch and watch the game with the guys for a minute. efren points out all the plays – illustrating the athleticism, and how everyone on the field had it mapped out in his mind what the next was gonna do. which way he’d run. what move he’d make.

i don’t know which move i’m making.

i get tired and cold sitting on the porch. i get lonely and old sitting on the porch. i get hungry and full, clever and dull..

i sit. i shit.

man spits. he really did spit. another man came out of a different house across the street. jiggling his keys, he burps and hawks a loog. it was pretty sick.

i said “sick me out” tonight. i really like that phrase. the kid i babysat growing up used to say it. he was hilarious. shout out to houston jones. that kid could wail. we used to sing together all the time. one time our parents let us have a show for them and their friends. they invited a bunch of neighbors out, and cooked and drank beer at the club house in my rich step-mom’s old housing development. we made a sheet with our logo on it. i was destined to advertise, i suppose. we called ourselves “jobi.” his last name, jones, and mine, bishop. i toyed with many names back then until i found the one that i felt suited the sitation best. the next obvious choice was “candlestik.” duh. i’m not really sure why i liked that one so much. i just kept drawing what the look and feel of the band..and the brand..would be like.

everyone has a thing. mine’s the double period..like that..sometimes i put it next to the words back-to-back..like that..but sometimes i like to put the rest of the sentence away from the previous part.. like that.

facebook, you’re weird. i think you may be a tool of the devil. i mean, i don’t think of the devil in the same way that the majority of other people think of the devil. well, pretty much everyone else. i think the “devil” is just negativity. it’s the downside to nature. it’s the fact that animals have to eat other animals to survive. beautiful things happen in nature. things that no one could explain. things that we have no formula to use as justification. sure, carnivores eat meat because they’re carnivores – but why are there carnivores in the first place? why are there herbivores? why are there not? what’s the purpose? yes, i know, sustainment. life. we’re genetically programmed in certain ways to adapt and change to the environment around us. that’s why i think nature is god. nature is natural. nature is meant to happen whether or not we allow it. it just is. it’s just there. it will adapt to us just the same, but it’s bigger, stronger and faster than anything a person could create.
we’re merely people. we’re merely flesh and blood. we’re part of the bigger thing that we call god in the first place. i know that that’s what the christians believe. jesus is the physical manifestation of “god.” he, himself is not god. they’re not one in the same. jesus is just as much god as the trees and the habits of all living organisms. god is love. god is energy. sure the origins of human life may have come from a blast in space, but what made the blast in space? we’re all wrong and we’re all right. we just need to be able to understand each other’s language. even atheists. alright, so you die and you rot and that’s it. fine. that’s doesn’t mean atheists don’t believe in god. that just means that they don’t believe in the idea that humans came up with to mean god. that’s why ancient religions were so much closer to the idea of god. that’s why there were many gods. there are many parts to a whole. take ancient egyptians. the most powerful idea of the true nature of god was the sun. i don’t think that’s far off. i actually think that’s pretty dead on.