Posts Tagged ‘Courtney Bishop’

three moments.

January 25, 2011

there are times in one’s life where a lesson must be learned. the ebb and the flow, the sunrise and the sunset. this balance must be maintained. whether it’s lows or highs, these are our moments. these moments that make up the essence of life. these are my moments:

1. i like poop.

sometimes i fart in french because it sounds classier.

2. coffee shots.

i got a cup of coffee:

other person: “how’s your creamer treating you?”

me: “isn’t that sexual harassment?”

3. i get it. lesbians can be described as “vagitarians.” especially because a lot of lesbians are vegetarians. whatever, whatever.

some people describe me as a “vagitarian” not because i’m a lesbian, but because i’ve recently stopped eating ass. it’s just, like, empty calories. i had to let it go.

sometimes thoughts are weird, guys.

this is my ebb.

a declaration of interdependence.

September 22, 2010

There’s this everlasting struggle between humans and nature, and another between “man” and “machine.” These may seem like opposing viewpoints – but maybe the machine, in this case, is the Divine Machine. The “greater than” in life. The most complex of all complexities – in something as simple as a blade of grass. It’s not “man,” it’s human. Maybe man is just a shortened form of a word that represents the rational thinking, opposable thumb using, communicators that we are. But we’re all in this together. Animal, vegetable, mineral – everything in the natural world falls into one of these categories. Therefore we are a part of nature. And because of this nature – because we have this ability to think and change and develop – we have created machines. We have been granted the mental capability to manufacture completely synthetic objects that make our lives easier. We can develop entire cities of buildings, but we can also destroy them with a single bomb. We can save a life using intricate tools, but we can take one just as easily. We are humans, we are nature, we are machines. We are all and we are none. The best we can do as is use our talents and abilities to promote the greater good while understanding that a balance must be maintained. Life may be a struggle, but it is a beautiful one. And that, my friends, is a Declaration of Interdependence.

Black people love Ken Apperson: How a skinny white boy gets down

July 1, 2010

If I know anything as an honorary black person, I know that black people don’t fake feeling music. There’s no such thing as a polite head-bob; something has to seep inside of them [us] and make them [us] move. And the crowd at Green Iguana in Ybor last Thursday … they [we] were feelin’ it.

Ken Apperson. Local musician. Skinny white boy. Within five minutes of watching his set, you can tell that he’s not just playing music, but that he is music. It’s rare that you find someone who has a voice that is just as much of an instrument as the guitar strapped to his chest. He slips seamlessly between a velvety tenor and a falsetto that will subtly strip your clothes off. Speaking of, the way his fingers work his guitar suggests that he may or may not be a ferocious lover. It’s really not up to me to say. Cigarette, anyone?

Ken plays some covers. Anyone can play covers, right? Not the way he does. Ken plays some hip-hop. On guitar. It’s fascinating to watch, really. It takes a special kind of talent to take a hard-hitting song that is notorious for being overproduced and synthetic, and translate it into a Maroon 5-ish type track that is something else entirely. You should see what he does with “Lollipop.” Weezy F would choke on his AutoTune plugin. More so than covers, however, Ken’s heart lies within his original tracks like “Keep Dreaming.”

Ken is a true artist. Starting at the age of 16, on his mom’s “piece of shit, no-name acoustic,” Ken taught himself the basics. With the help of the Internet, he played that guitar until his fingers bled. His mom got him lessons for his next birthday, and within a year, he was the one doing the teaching. Hailing from St. Louis, music was the thing that brought Ken to Tampa when he was 21.

And now Tampa’s lucky to have him. Here’s his upcoming local schedule for the month of July:

7/2 Gilligan’s Bar & Grill, Tampa 4:30-8:30 p.m.

7/2 JJ’s Cafe and Bar, Ybor 9:30 p.m.-1:30 a.m.

7/9 Green Iguana, Ybor 5-8 p.m.

7/9 JJ’s Cafe and Bar, Ybor 9:30 p.m.-1:30 a.m.

7/10 Green Iguana, Ybor 1-5 p.m.

7/13 Channelside Courtyard 4-8 p.m.

7/15 Centro Cantina, Ybor 9 p.m.-1 a.m.

7/16 Palm Pavilion, Clearwater 1-5 p.m.

7/16 JJ’s Cafe And Bar, Ybor 9:30 p.m.-1:30 a.m.

7/22 Green Iguana, Ybor 9 p.m.-1 a.m.

7/23 JJ’s Cafe And Bar, Ybor 9:30 p.m.-1:30 a.m.

7/24 Jannus Landing Rock for Research

7/30 Havana Room, St. Pete 10 p.m.-2 a.m.

If you can’t make it to one of those shows, you can find Ken every Sunday at TinaTapas in Channelside from 6 to 10 p.m..

Don’t let the contagious smile and the boyish charm fool you, Ken Apperson gets down to business. Call him, and he can make it juicy for ya. Yeah, I’ll take that cigarette now.

[To read at Creative Loafing, click here.]

A late-night encounter with TBPD: The ballad of the white lines

May 28, 2010

I was returning home to Ybor City when my drunk friend in the passenger seat, whom I was designated-driving, decided that she wanted pizza. Being a Saturday at 2 A.M. in Ybor, parking on the street was scarce. I had already looped around the block once, and was on my second go-round. Suddenly, I see a police officer following in my rear-view mirror. Being the cautious driver that I am, I already had my seat belt fastened and was obeying the speed limit. I tell my friend of the officer behind us. “Do you think he’s gonna pull us over?!” she asks frantically. “No. I’m not doing anything wrong,” I calmly reply.

I pull up to a red light where I need to make a right turn. Turn signal already on, I come to a complete stop where I remain for roughly four seconds for good measure. I know that the cops are looking for any reason to write tickets, and rolling through a red light was not going to be my demise. After my lengthy and pronounced stop, I make the right turn. One second later, there are red and blue flashing lights behind me.

What the fuck?!” rings in my head as I pull to the shoulder of the road. The police officer comes up, flashlight ablaze, and sticks his cop-face in the window. “License, registration and proof of insurance.” Seeing as how I was driving my friend’s car, I let her take care of the last two while I handed over my license. While she was rummaging through her glove compartment, Cop-Face starts shining his flashlight all in the car – mostly in the backseat. “What the fuck?!” is still on repeat as he takes the needed-information back to his car.

Seeing as how he never told me why he pulled me over, my mind is going a thousand miles an hour. We wait. And wait. And wait some more. Close to an hour passes before he returns. “Would you consent to a search?” he asks. My mind: “WTF?!” My mouth: “Uhhhh, sure. I mean, okay.” I didn’t understand this request, but I had nothing to hide, so of course I complied. “Step out of the car, ma’am,” Cop-Face instructs.

I get out. “Ms. Bishop, the reason why I pulled you over is because someone came up to me in the street and reported to me that you girls were doing cocaine at stoplights.”

My jaw drops.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“No, ma’am. And when something as serious as that is reported, we have to take all cautionary measures.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”

I’ve never done cocaine in my life, never even tried it, so the fact that this was happening was absolutely absurd. And even if I did do it, bumping lines down Seventh Avenue wouldn’t exactly be my setting-of-choice. Cop-Face instructs me to walk over to the sidewalk where a female officer was waiting to give me a frisking. I tell her how ridiculous this situation is, and she laughs as she gets to Second Base with me. She finds nothing on us. Cop-Face and his buddy find nothing in the car. Female Officer tells us not to worry, and that as soon as they tie up some loose ends in the Cop-Mobile, we’ll be free to go.

I thank the Universe and decide that this will be a funny story to tell the next day.

I get back in the driver’s seat and wait for Cop-Face to return with my ID. Thirty minutes pass before he shows back up.

“Alright, Ms. Bishop, I’m issuing you a traffic citation for stopping in front of the white line at the stoplight. Those lines are there for a reason, and you need to stop completely behind them.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“Please sign at the bottom. You’re not admitting fault, you’re just saying that you received this citation. You can either pay the ticket or try to fight it in court. But I assure you, Ms. Bishop, if you try to fight it, I will be there and you will lose.”

“Well, how much is the ticket?”

“Two-hundred and sixteen dollars.”

Ahhhh, the post-nasal drip of Justice.

[to read at Creative Loafing, click here.]

Sonny’s Baby Backs for Babies – :30 radio

April 29, 2010

These are two :30 radio spots that I wrote for Sonny’s Baby Backs for Babies promotion during my internship with The Ad Partners in Tampa. The client chose the first one, which was produced and aired.

“Baby Backs for Babies” #1 / :30

MUSIC: soft and soothing … builds and fades

VO: It’s in our bones to be warm and tender.

MUSIC … builds and fades

VO: Some may even call us sweet.

MUSIC … builds and fades

VO: But enough about our baby back ribs…

Because right now, when you order a rack for only $12.99, Sonny’s will donate a portion of the proceeds to the March of Dimes to help save the babies who need it.

SFX: baby laughter

VO: You have good taste, so eat for a good cause.

Sonny’s. Do something warm and tender.

“Baby Backs for Babies” #2 / :30

VO: When Sonny developed his signature baby back ribs, it was a sweet idea …

When he decided to give them the special price of $12.99, it was even sweeter …

Sonny is a real sweet guy, and has always shared this with others. That’s why right now, when you order a rack of his fall-off-the-bone baby backs, he will donate a portion of the proceeds to the March of Dimes to help the babies who need it most …

Baby backs for babies.

How sweet it is …

Sonny’s. Do something warm and tender.

Ferman Mazda – :60 radio

April 29, 2010

These are some :60 radio spots that I wrote for Ferman Mazda on Florida Avenue during my internship at The Ad Partners in Tampa. A derivative of #4 was chosen by the client, and was produced and aired. (Audio file of the actual spot that ran coming soon.)

FERMAN #1

Ferman Mazda on Florida Avenue would like to say “Thank you, Tampa Bay” for making us Tampa’s number one Mazda dealer. Come in now for our 15th Anniversary Sell-A-Bration to see what makes Ferman Mazda on Florida Avenue so different. Not only do we offer a guaranteed low price on any new Mazda in the State of Florida, we do so without the hassles you’ve come to expect when buying a new car.

And right now, there are even more reasons to celebrate with savings up to $8,000 on remaining 2008 models. Get the sporty 2008 CX-7 from only $17,9 or $179 a month. Get the Mazda CX-9 2008 Motor Trend Sport/Utility of the Year from only $21,9 or $249 a month. Or be one of the first to get the 100% redesigned 2009 Mazda6 from only $199 a month. And as always, $500 free gas and $10 oil changes with every purchase!

So, before you drive around to every dealer in town, ask yourself – is there really another place you need to go? Great deals; great people; all in only one stop. Ferman Mazda on Florida Avenue. Call us today at 888-444-ZOOM or visit us online at FermanMazda.net.

Test drive a New Mazda today!

FERMAN #2

Buying a new car can be a hassle, so Ferman Mazda on Florida Avenue would like to help. We’re Tampa Bay’s number one Mazda dealer because of you, and to show our gratitude, we’re offering you a guaranteed low price on any new Mazda in the state of Florida.

It’s our 15th anniversary, and instead of giving us the traditional crystal, let us give you some untraditional savings. Celebrate with us, and save up to $8,000 on remaining ’08 models. Get the sporty 2008 CX-7 from only $17,9 or $179 a month. Get the Mazda CX-9 2008 Motor Trend Sport/Utility of the Year from only $21,9 or $249 a month. Or be one of the first to get the 100% redesigned 2009 Mazda6 from only $199 a month. And as always, get $500 free gas and $10 oil changes with every purchase!

So why drive around to every dealer in town when you have the number one dealer in your backyard? Great deals, great people, all in one stop. Ferman Mazda on Florida Avenue. Call us today at 888-444-ZOOM or visit us online at FermanMazda.net.

Test drive a new Mazda today!

FERMAN #3

We’re Ferman Mazda on Florida Avenue, and we’re finally fifteen! We know we have a year left before we can drive, but that doesn’t mean we don’t want you to!

Come celebrate with us and see why we’re Tampa’s number one Mazda dealer. Maybe it’s because we offer a guaranteed low price on any new Mazda in the state of Florida…Maybe it’s because we do so without all the hassles that come with buying a new car…OR, maybe you’ll just need to see your reflection in the window of one of our models and you’ll just know. It’s because of you.

To show our appreciation, we’d like to offer you savings up to $8,000 on remaining ’08 models! Get the sporty 2008 CX-7 from only $17,9 or $179 a month. Get the Mazda CX-9 2008 Motor Trend Sport/Utility of the Year from only $21,9 or $249 a month. Or, be one of the first to get the 100% redesigned 2009 Mazda6 from only $199 a month! And as always, we’ll give you $500 free gas and $10 oil changes with every purchase!

We know we’re only fifteen, but we’re mature for our age. We know that we’re the best people, offering you the best deals, right in your backyard. Ferman Mazda on Florida Avenue. Call us today at 888-444-ZOOM or visit us online at FermanMazda.net.

Test drive a new Mazda today…we call shotgun!

FERMAN #4

We’re Ferman Mazda on Florida Avenue and we’d like to thank you, Tampa Bay, for making us Tampa’s number one Mazda dealer. [SFX: chant, “We’re number one!”] We were going to send out thank you cards, but we felt bad about the amount of paper we were using. [SFX: paper crumbling] Then we thought about sending each of you flowers, but we know some of you have allergies. [SFX: sneeze] So, instead, we’ve decided to show our gratitude by offering you a guaranteed low price on any new Mazda in the state of Florida.

It’s OUR fifteenth anniversary, but we’re celebrating by offering YOU savings up to $8,000 on remaining ’08 models. We’re nice like that. [SFX: group, “Awww…”] Get the sporty 2008 CX-7 from only $17,9 or $179 a month. Get the Mazda CX-9 2008 Motor Trend Sport/Utility of the Year from only $21,9 or $249 a month. Or, be one of the first to get the 100% redesigned 2009 Mazda6 from only $199 a month! That’s right…you can be one of the first. You trendsetter, you. And as always, we’ll give you $500 in free gas and $10 oil changes with every purchase.

You could drive around town looking for a better deal, but you’d just be wasting gas. And in today’s economy, who can afford that? [SFX: woman, fades off, “I know I can’t…”] Just come to Ferman Mazda on Florida Avenue. Great people, great deals, all in one stop. Call us today at 888-444-ZOOM or visit us online at FermanMazda.net.

Test drive your next new car today!

FERMAN #5

Here at Ferman Mazda on Florida Avenue, we don’t like to brag. Although we are Tampa Bay’s number one Mazda dealer. We also don’t like to go on and on about our experience in the car-selling business, even though it’s our fifteenth anniversary this year. What we do like to do, here at Ferman Mazda, is save you money. So that’s what we intend on doing. Not only do we offer a guaranteed low price on any Mazda in the state of Florida, we do so without all the usual hassle that comes with buying a new car, but we don’t like to boast about how easy we are to work with.

Right now, we’d like to offer you savings up to $8,000 on remaining ’08 models. Get the sporty 2008 CX-7 from only $17,9 or $179 a month. Get the Mazda CX-9 2008 Motor Trend Sport/Utility of the Year from only $21,9 or $249 a month. Or, be one of the first to get the 100% redesigned 2009 Mazda6 from only $199 a month. We don’t want to show off, but we’ll also give you $500 free gas and $10 oil changes with every purchase.

Here at Ferman Mazda, we don’t want to toot our own horn…we want you to do it for us…from behind the wheel of your new car. Ferman Mazda on Florida Avenue. Call us today at 888-444-ZOOM or visit us online at FermanMazda.net.

Test drive your new Mazda today!

Ferman Mazda – outdoor

April 29, 2010

These are some headlines that I wrote for an outdoor piece for Ferman Mazda on Florida Avenue during my internship with The Ad Partners in Tampa. My creative director, David Allen, went with the one in bold.

Fits in the garage, can’t promise it’ll go down the chimney.

Wrap up something to-go.

Give the gift of go.

You may need a bigger tree.

We made Santa reconsider the sleigh.

Rudolph’s got nothin’ on us.

Driveways are the new stockings.

Sure beats a sack full of coal.

A step up from last year’s necktie.

Four-door holiday cheer.

You’ve been really good this year.

Togetherness. Family. Horsepower.

You’re gonna need a bigger bow.

Holiday zoom.

Happy haul-a-days.

Holiday cheer with a rearview mirror.

Go, go, go. Happy holidays.

If Dasher had a dashboard…

It’s like Dasher with a dashboard.

You won’t have to fake that you like their fruitcake.

It’s like fruitcake with wheels. Except it’s actually tasteful.

Gift cars are always a good idea.

Don’t know what to get ‘em? Give ‘em a gift car.

Avoid embarrassing moments. This gift is one-size-fits-all.

The one-size-fits-all gift.

The Ad Partners Internship Program – print ads

April 29, 2010

These are print ads that I created for a guerilla marketing campaign for The Ad Partners Internship Program. They were placed around campus at the University of South Florida.


Sonny’s Holiday Helpline – :30 radio

April 29, 2010

These are :30 radio spots that I wrote for Sonny’s Hams and Turkeys To-Go promotion during my internship with The Ad Partners in Tampa. The first one was chosen by the client, and was produced and aired.


Sonny’s Holiday Helpline #1

Automated Voice: Hello, and welcome to Sonny’s holiday helpline…

For hams, press one,

For turkeys, press two,

For family mediation, press gently on your temples and rub in a

circular motion…

We assure you that all calls are confidential. Your in-laws will

never know that your “homemade” feast wasn’t exactly made at

home. Sonny’s hams and turkeys are only a phone call away from

your serving tray. Let us do the work so you can concentrate on the

details…

Like polishing that tray.

VO: Sonny’s hams and turkeys to go. All you have to do is set the table.

Sonny’s Holiday Helpline #2

Automated Voice: Hello, and welcome to Sonny’s holiday helpline…

We’re here to make your holiday run smoothly by providing you

with hams and turkeys to go. We assure you that all calls are

confidential – we’ll never let your in-laws know that your

“homemade” feast wasn’t exactly made at home this holiday

season. Why spend hours in the kitchen? You could be dusting.

You have to be prepared to pretend your house is that clean

year-round. Sonny’s hams and turkeys to go are only a phone call

away from your serving tray.

VO: Sonny’s hams and turkeys to go. All you have to do is set the table.



Sonny’s boards – brainstorm.

April 29, 2010

These are a few boards I came up with when working on Sonny’s 8 Dinners Under $8 promotion during my internship with The Ad Partners in Tampa:

Don’t wait,

eat eight!

8 dinners under $8

You’ll be glad

you ate under 8.

Dinners under $8

Big portions.

Wear sweatpants.

8 dinners under $8

Wallet empty?

Get full.

8 dinners under $8

So much food

you’ll need a nap.

8 dinners under $8

Not responsible

for food coma.

Big portions, $8

We pull pork,

not your leg.

8 dinners under $8

Pulling pork,

not yanking chains.

8 dinners under $8

We fill plates,

Not empty wallets.

8 dinners under $8

Stretching dollars,

and waistbands.

8 dinners under $8

Full-sized dinners,

pint-sized prices.

8 dinners under $8

Our chickens

go “cheap.”

8 dinners under $8

Check out

the chicken.

8 dinners under $8

Gobble up

the turkey.

8 dinners under $8