Archive for the ‘the a.d.d. chronicles.’ Category

sardines.

March 11, 2011

there are these things.

these girls and these jobs, and these not jobs, and these situations where you feel like it’s a a makeorbreak kinda moment.

there are these moments where we must define ourselves as people.

there are moments where the heart breaketh and runneth over in a matter of seconds.

there are seconds. we are given a lot of them, usually, but they are only seconds.

some people fill up on seconds while others barely get firsts. and usually the people filling up on seconds are the ones who could afford to lose a few pounds.

we gain and we lose and we push forth.

the pushing forth part is the part that matters.

the human body declares that we push forth in order to be born.

don’t be a drag, just be a queen.

illuminati, all through your body – just be seen.

seeing is subjective. everyone can look, but only few of us can see.

the few, the proud, the sardines.

three moments.

January 25, 2011

there are times in one’s life where a lesson must be learned. the ebb and the flow, the sunrise and the sunset. this balance must be maintained. whether it’s lows or highs, these are our moments. these moments that make up the essence of life. these are my moments:

1. i like poop.

sometimes i fart in french because it sounds classier.

2. coffee shots.

i got a cup of coffee:

other person: “how’s your creamer treating you?”

me: “isn’t that sexual harassment?”

3. i get it. lesbians can be described as “vagitarians.” especially because a lot of lesbians are vegetarians. whatever, whatever.

some people describe me as a “vagitarian” not because i’m a lesbian, but because i’ve recently stopped eating ass. it’s just, like, empty calories. i had to let it go.

sometimes thoughts are weird, guys.

this is my ebb.

mightybishop Does Cooking Hamburgers with Frozen2Late

December 12, 2010

this is my girlfriend. this is her video about cooking hamburgers. i am obsessed with it.

 

this is a video i made at xtranormal.com to pay homage to the video that i love oh so much.

a declaration of interdependence.

September 22, 2010

There’s this everlasting struggle between humans and nature, and another between “man” and “machine.” These may seem like opposing viewpoints – but maybe the machine, in this case, is the Divine Machine. The “greater than” in life. The most complex of all complexities – in something as simple as a blade of grass. It’s not “man,” it’s human. Maybe man is just a shortened form of a word that represents the rational thinking, opposable thumb using, communicators that we are. But we’re all in this together. Animal, vegetable, mineral – everything in the natural world falls into one of these categories. Therefore we are a part of nature. And because of this nature – because we have this ability to think and change and develop – we have created machines. We have been granted the mental capability to manufacture completely synthetic objects that make our lives easier. We can develop entire cities of buildings, but we can also destroy them with a single bomb. We can save a life using intricate tools, but we can take one just as easily. We are humans, we are nature, we are machines. We are all and we are none. The best we can do as is use our talents and abilities to promote the greater good while understanding that a balance must be maintained. Life may be a struggle, but it is a beautiful one. And that, my friends, is a Declaration of Interdependence.

a contradictory love letter from a romantic sociopath.

July 30, 2010

hey, beautiful.

and by beautiful, i mean you’re hideous. and by hideous, i mean you’re gorgeous. SLASH disgusting.

how’s it going, baby? i hope you’re doing well. i mean awful. i mean marvelous. i’m having a great day. i want to go on a murdering spree today. work has been alright, i guess. i mean, there are always ups and downs. haven’t really eaten much today. i’m eating everything in sight. skipped lunch so i would look thinner and people would like me more. binged on funyuns and three liters of dr. pepper. you know, the usual.

i’ve thought about you a lot today. sometimes when i think about your smile it gives me butterflies in my stomach. SLASH makes me want to slap small children. SLASH takes my breath away. and by that i mean, i can’t breathe because i’m choking on vomit. which smells like funyuns and dr. pepper. you really do melt my heart.

i’ve been having a really great time getting to know you. every time you speak i get a sharp pain in my inner-ear. and i hope that we continue on down the path that we’re going, because that path is pretty awesome. the path that we’re on is in a back alleyway somewhere and it smells like bum piss. every day with you is like a new adventure. yeah, an adventure called “slowly sucking the life-essence from my soul.” sometimes i can’t wait to wake up with you in the morning so we can start a new day together. you make me want to develop an addiction to ambien. gosh, i just like you a lot.

i guess what i’m trying to say is that i’m really happy that you’re a part of my life. the part that includes highway traffic and explosive diarrhea. i want you to know that i’m going to do anything in my power to make your days brighter. and by brighter, i mean beige. and by beige i mean neon green. SLASH dark clear.

you really are something special, you know that? you blend in with the crowd and sometimes i don’t even see you standing there. life is funny. as soon as you stop searching, you find what you’re looking for. SLASH you make me feel like i’m playing hide ‘n’ seek and i’ve been in the pantry for 45 minutes and i already have to pee and all i can smell is beef bouillon so then i sneeze and a little bit of pee comes out and then i have to cross my legs and hold my crotch for an additional eight minutes. i mean come on, i just sneezed, you couldn’t tell where that sound was coming from for eight whole minutes?! i’ll probably get a u.t.i. now. and by u.t.i., i mean a positive outlook on life.

well, i guess i’ll get going for now. there is still so much for me to do before i fall asleep tonight. SLASH i’ll probably just sit here and drink cheap beer and think about all the things i should be doing, but instead i’ll youtube funny cat videos.

i hope your today was better than your yesterday, and your tomorrow is better than your today. your best days are behind you; it’s all downhill from here.

sweet dreams. SLASH sour nightmares.

i love you. and by love, i mean despise. and by despise, i mean eh, you’re alright.

yours truly, i’m a compulsive liar,

courtney.

peanut butter lover.

June 28, 2010

we’re all preparing for something “greater than.”

i feel like i’ve gone through a lot of changes in the past couple of years..thought i found myself when i was lost..thought i found a home when i was only renting one of those cheap motel rooms where you pay by the hour, and there are mysterious stains on the mattress, and the whole room smells like hot dogs. thought i found waldo, but it was really that other dude with the same sweater, minus the hat.

it’s starting to feel different. it’s starting to feel like i’m building a team. we’re all doing lunges and warming up our hammies so we don’t pull something. i feel like i’ve cut through the second-string and i’m running with the starting line-up.

it’s nice to feel..nice. furthermore, it’s nice to feel nice as myself – not a version of me, not me on my best-behavior, not me “lite.” just me. it’s nice to be around people who not only allow, but encourage that.

i don’t think most people really know what they’re looking for. sure, there are certain things that everyone aspires to have – friends, family, financial security, a vibrator that will bring you a post-coital sandwich, etc. – but i don’t think most people have any fucking clue what really makes them tick. people are so concerned with image and status that the shit that really makes their heart beat comes in second. fuck that. beat, i say. beat.

a change is a-comin’. and hopefully, if i’m lucky enough, i will be too..immediately followed by the delivery of a pb&j.

always read the fine print.

June 7, 2010

i’m too smart for this shit.

“thank you for calling rip-off cell phone accessory store/porn account management scam. how may i help you?”

i get paid to lie to people. i get paid to lie and/or be cursed out at any given moment. it really does a number on my psyche and overall positive attitude. i can’t stand lying. i’m not a liar. i’d rather tell the truth and be hated for it than lie just to appease people. but that’s what i do. i lie.

we sell these products for new and up-and-coming cell phones online. when we add a new phone to the accessory list, it’s usually somewhere between one and three months before we’ll ever even get the products in. well, people place orders right away thinking their product will ship out the next day. sometimes, if we already have the items in stock, this may actually be the case. this is like a one-in-twenty shot. if the phone or products haven’t been released yet, we will sometimes list an availability date beneath the product description. however, customers can order the product without ever having to see that date by clicking “add to cart” from the main menu. it’s deceptive, but it’s there. just as our “no refund on shipping costs” and “5% banking fee used to process refunds” is there in the terms and conditions. but who ever actually reads that shit?! i spend my days being someone who i hate.

furthermore, we receive our products directly from the manufacturer (whom we often undercut the price of). the manufacturer can change the availability date of any given product at any given time. okay, fine. but who gets the wrath of the angry customer when she or he has called three times about a cell phone case she or he ordered two months ago, has already been charged for, and has had the availability date changed three times for? the answer is me. my boss encourages us to “just tell them something.” meanwhile, he drives a mazaradi.

then there’s the porn thing. people sign up for a “free three-day trial” or a “$1.97 three-day trial” depending on how old their account is. i don’t necessarily feel as bad about this stuff, because if you’re going to enter your credit card number online to watch porn, you’re a fucking buffoon. um, hi. redtube. anyway, if they don’t cancel their account within the three-day trial period, their credit card will accrue monthly charges of either $44.93 or $39.97 on a monthly basis until the account is canceled. some people understand this concept and read all the fine print thoroughly, but most just want to get their spank on and overlook the details of our “trial membership.” i’ve had some people call that have had accounts with us for over a year and have never known it. oh, you want to be refunded for all of those months you never used the porn account you didn’t know you had? sorry. we can only issue up to three months of refunds. and that’s only in the case of identity theft or fraud. tell you what..i’ll give you one courtesy refund of the most recent charge. wow, i feel great about myself.

now we have this new thing. it’s this energy drink powder stuff. it’s disgusting. people sign up for a seven-day trial of it and receive seven packets of the powder. well, just like the porn thing, if they don’t cancel during the trial time, they’ll automatically become a member after the first seven days and be charged for, and shipped, 30 packets a month. i guess one would notice a 30-day supply of energy powder at her or his doorstep every month, so it’s not as slimy, but it’s still a scam. furthermore, we don’t even have this shit in stock yet. my boss tells me that if anyone calls asking about it, tell them it’s coming in tomorrow. if they call tomorrow, tell them it’s coming in the next day.

i need a shower to wash away all this shame.

i know it’s rough out there in this economy, and i do feel lucky that i even have a job, but it makes me sad to think that because money rules the fucking planet, people are forced to be pieces of shit. hooray! i can pay my rent and keep my lights on! sure, i have to be a complete asshole to do so..but at least we have dvr, right?

i am not anti-work. not in the slightest. i love to work. but i love doing work that helps rather than harms. i love doing work where i can express my creativity and use my brain. i love doing work where i can problem-solve and make people’s lives better. i don’t love doing work where i am a filthy, emotional punching bag.

i’ll leave that to the lawyers in the world.

rats in the attic.

May 7, 2010

rats in the attic. tails are tragic. broken air conditioner. feeling the heat. power in another’s name. no cable. no internet. no connection. no money. moving alone. feeling alone. feeling lonely. feeling lonely surrounded by people. people being mad. people being silent. people questioning character. character-flaws. o.c.d. a.d.d. no tv. tv imitating life. life imitating art. total eclipse of the heart. milk makes me fart. farts smell like shit. life smells like shit. i want it to quit. the shit. not the life. i like the life. i want to live it. i want to dance. i want to be free. i want to smile. it takes more effort to frown than it does to smile. so i try to smile. it’s difficult lately. interviews. disappointments. the timing is off. it’s not my moment. one day it will be. and then i will own it. until then i lease it. i need to release it. i need to release the tension. no attention. i need an intervention. friendships. sinking ships. chips and dip. dents in cars. highway scars. insurance rates. mother’s day dates. dates in june. hotel rooms. too little, too late. leave it to fate. it’s dark in here. tell the rat to hit the light. merry happy to all, and to all a good night.

bug.

April 27, 2010

there was this bug crawling on my wall. not a big bug, i guess it may have been a baby. it was crawling on my wall and i tried to kill it with a shoe. i thought i did. the bug laid still as i walked with it atop the bottom of my shoe into the bathroom.

i threw the bug carcass into the trash can. a few seconds later, the bug began to crawl again. i scooped it out of the trashcan with a paper towel roll, and it fell on the floor. then i tried to smoosh it with a paper towel into the floor.

i thought i had, so i tried to toss it from the paper towel into the toilet. i took one swift shake downward toward the water, and the bug started crawling out of the paper towel.

i took the bug outside and blew it off the paper towel into the night air.

i felt like this bug deserved to live another day. this bug fought the good fight.

superiority complex.

April 23, 2010

why do we say, “walk the dog”? we’re all sentient beings. all capable of emotion. sure, humans are more rational, more logical. but we all have the ability to learn. we just have to find a way to communicate effectively. for all we know, dogs could consider us the lower life-form. they probably feel sorry for us. i wouldn’t be surprised. opposable thumbs are for chumps.

so, instead of, “i took fido for a walk today.” how about, “fido and i went for a walk today.” or, if you insist, “me and fido went for a walk today.” it would be grammatically incorrect, and, frankly, a little self-centered, but you could say it if you wanted to. egotistical prick. it’s like when people are racist, on account of their upbringing and whatnot, and they know they’re racist, but they don’t want to be racist, so they call all black people “african american.” you know, ’cause they’re all from africa. they may not all be from africa, but i’m certain that they all like watermelon, corn bread, fried chicken and kool-aid. excuse me. “purple drink.” [on a serious note, all of the previously-mentioned foods are delicious, but everyone knows that “red drink” is the superior drink. i mean, come on.]

you know what i’m really fucking tired of? like you can stop me anyway. well, i mean, you could if you wanted to. it’s a free country. you could just “x” out of this. go ahead. i fucking dare you. you won’t do it. because if you did, you’d be like, “oh snap! what if that crazy carpet-muncher was the keeper of some sort of pearl necklace of wisdom that i’ve been searching for for, i don’t know, say a good minute and a half.” and then you “x” and miss it. and i’m all, “ohhh! sucks to be you!” and then you get mad at me for being like that. and then i get mad at you for going all “x” on me. and then we give each other the silent treatment for two weeks. so i’m really fucking tired of when white comics do the “acting black” shtick and vice versa. like all white people play golf and wear their pants up to their nipples. i must admit, i do indulge in a good “dude” now and again. ok, fine. i say it all the fucking time. anyway, that brainless comedy is tired, dude. i apologize for the language, but jesus, these golf pants are cutting off the circulation to my tits.

in conclusion, judge not a creature by its constant napping or incessant leg-humping. my spanish friend fido, mi amigo fido, if you will, just can’t help it. just kidding, just kidding. of course i know that not all hispanic people are from spain. judge a creature by its existence. because we are all of the same creation.

synergy.

harmony.

white power.