accidentally on purpose.

i’m pretty o.c.d. when it comes to germs and overall personal hygiene. i am a compulsive hand-washer and nose-blower. and sometimes i wipe my ass so hard after i shit that i make it bleed. i’m not proud of it, but at least i’m poo-free.

i haven’t had sex in like three months. being a borderline sex-addict, or a “sexual predator” as my friend simon says, this is quite a long stretch for me. [1. not “sexual predator” in a knock-on-the-neighbor’s-door-and-warn-them-to-watch-their-youngsters-kinda way – remember: no animals, no children, no dead people. 2. “simon says.” ha.] i spend a lot of time alone at my job. all alone. sometimes during this alone time, i get horny. sometimes during this alone time, i may or may not watch porn on my computer. sometimes during this alone time when i may or may not be watching porn, the porn in question may or may not be targeted toward gay men. particularly black men. particularly down-low brothas.

speaking of, i’m really excited about subway’s $5.00 any footlong.

attention facebookers: i don’t care about your dog (unless she or he did something hilarious); your pregnancy (unless your fetus has magical powers); what you ate for breakfast, lunch or dinner (unless it was one of my favorite foods – which you will know by my “like”-ing of your status). also, please freshen up on your grammar rules. por ejemplo: “you’re” is a contraction meaning “you are.” “your” is a possessive pronoun. “to” is a preposition; “too” means “also.” for more help with this oh-so-tricky english language, click here. oh, and one more thing: the “look at yourself in the mirror and take a picture of yourself holding your camera phone over your head”-thing is tired. please put it to bed.

yesterday i got into a heated debate about gay penguins.

so i bought this pack of stride gum because the flavor is called “mega mystery” and i always love a challenge. i’m pretty sure it has cantaloupe in it.

if you had a “bone to pick,” which bone would you pick? i’d pick the coccyx.

sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. unless those words are “nigger,” “faggot,” or “republican party.”

fine. i admit it. i put the “ram” in the “rama-lama-ding-dong.” happy?

go give your mother a hug. she’s a good woman.

Advertisements

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

One Response to “accidentally on purpose.”

  1. ProfessorMuckefuck Says:

    So you watch gay porn. Black gay porn. At work. Nasty. I would throw up.

    Grammar rules:Pot-kettle dude or dudette or both.

    It is `I`. The first letter of the first word at the beginning of a sentence is in capitals, or you are the new `gay` E. E. Cummings.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: