unscathed logic and the devil’s trousers.

it’s ironic that one has to take a test to become a jew. one has to study for 2 years or more to convert to judaism. one has to really fuckin’ want it. at least half as much as the local priest wants the newest choir boy. this one’s blonde…this one…take that wafer…take it all in…oh, yes…that’s right…body of christ. a strict and stringent entry fee goes against what pretty much every christian sect aims to achieve. we gotta meet a quota. jesus is watching. [again, jesus, i do love you. i just use you as a scapegoat for what your alleged “followers” do in “your name.” i know you understand. what? what’s that? oh, yes! i did get the fruit basket you and moses sent me! it was absolutely delightful! yes, girl. i can’t believe you actually remembered my birthday! ok. ok. really…butch it up, j. butch it up. they’re watching…no. wait. you’re watching…) christians are forgiving of any sin, ANY sin, as long as one has been baptized and asks for forgiveness for the sin. i was forgiven of all my worldly sins in the 8th grade. the girl who i had my first real lesbian crush on had an uncle who was a pastor. i accepted christ as my lord and savior, and didn’t even hold my nose when i was dunked under the water. ‘cause only bitches and pussies hold their noses. i was then cleansed of all my sins. like masturbating to ol’ uncle pastor’s niece.

a man can beat his wife and kids and be forgiven as long as he asks for it, but if that same man willingly puts his penis into another man’s asshole, he’s burning in hell for eternal damnation. unscathed logic, i tell ya. it’s ironic that a male can’t be a “sister,” but he can rape one. son, go rape your sister. son, i’m only gonna tell you once. we’ll put $20 in the basket on sunday, it’ll be ok. aw, who are we kidding…we’ll put in $5 and take change back…

when i was a kid i went to a couple church functions with the girl for whom I got baptized to impress. funny how i accepted jesus into my heart to try to get her to accept me into her pants. these church functions had these crazy reenactments of people [gasp] smoking marijuana, drinking alcohol, and wearing baggy jeans. who knew baggy jeans were the devil’s trousers?

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