the seed.

i’ve always craved approval. approval. oooval. ooo. soothing. stroke me. love me. pet my head and tell me i’m a good girl. approval was the only thing that made me believe in myself. well, either approval or a boldfaced challenge. the kind of challenge where someone takes a white glove out of her pocket and slaps it across both of your cheeks. your move, bishop.” move. ooo. approval like your fourth grade teacher giving you a little shoulder squeeze on the way past your desk. “yeah, you did good, kid.” that one little move…oove…ooo…evoked a feeling that i can only describe now as horniness. maybe that’s where my affinity for authority figures was emplanted. dirty little seed of false expectation. it wasn’t even the instructors themselves that did it for me, it was that feeling of someone believing in me. i never really had that. well, not after i got my first B on my report card and started forming my own opinions. “what do you mean ‘you like green’? i want you to like blue.” blue. ooo. so i did. i tried liking blue for a long time. i found it fucking exhausting. it’s not that liking blue is wrong…some of my best friends like blue…it’s just not my favorite color.

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