An open letter to my next ex-girlfriend

Hey there.

It was really nice meeting you the other night at [name of club, bar, or mutual friend’s house]. I really liked the ensemble you were wearing. I’m not one to boast, but I can spot a well-made garment when I see one. Your shoes were really cute too. I’m really sorry I spilled Miller Lite all over them mid-pop ‘n’ lock. But I think I should tell you right now, I’m a sucker for red lips and high-heels…so I really feel like you nailed that one. Bravo. But enough about my inner drag queen and killer dance moves.

I want you to know that I’m a good girlfriend. I can be a lot to handle at times – I’m borderline obnoxious for the better part of the week – but really it’s all part of my charm. I mean, that’s why you eyeball-raped me in the first place, right? And even though I’m somewhat ridiculous, I promise that if you make it really hard for me to tell if you like me as much as I like you, you’ll keep me. I encourage you to use me to feed your own ego, and I welcome daily bouts of your pointing out my inadequacies. I’m not good enough, so don’t ever let me forget that. And while you’re at it, please use the little that you know about my past to methodically break me down. Here are some points of interest:

1. my mother’s death;

2. my father’s nonacceptance of my “lifestyle,” and my general being;

3. global warming.

The first two hit closer to home, but the whole situation with the polar bears is really starting to get to me. Please, and I mean this with all sincerity, don’t ever compliment me. Don’t take interest in my friends, or my talents or abilities, and never – I repeat – never put me above anything else in your life. Also, I think you should know about some of the annoying things that I do right off the bat so we don’t have to wait around to find out that they annoy you. I’m a compulsive nose-blower. Not only do I blow my nose a lot, but when I’m finished blowing, I twist the end of the tissue into a little point and swirl it around my nostril to make sure that there aren’t any BIV (boogers-in-view) left lingering. So you’ll find a lot of my little TP creations in the waste basket. Speaking of TP, I use an ungodly amount of it. Get used to it. I also have a very regimented routine when getting ready for my day. If you get in the way of that or rush me, I’ll probably throw some sort of hissy fit. I like sex, and I like it a lot. If you don’t feel like putting out when I want it, I’ll probably keep pushing you until you: a. give up and give it to me; b. become completely annoyed and turned off by my reaction to your rejection; or c. all of the above. In the case of “a.” – as long as you pretend that you’re into it, everything will probably be just fine. In cases “b.” or “c.” – I’ll probably guilt you into thinking that you’re a bad person.

All my annoying habits aside, I’m not all that terrible. But I don’t want you to think that. I’m smart, but you’ll probably think that I think that I’m smart and then think that I’m a cocky asshole. I’m attractive, but you’ll probably think that I think that I’m attractive and then, again, think that I’m a cocky asshole. This is okay with me. I’ll carry that load of mutual admiration for the both of us. I’ll wake up in the morning before you do and go buy groceries to make you the breakfast that you like, and then once you’re awake – all hungover with eyeliner smeared to your chin – I’ll tell you you’re beautiful. I’ll defend you to my friends when they tell me that you treat me poorly, and then illustrate your good points – like that one time you remembered my dad’s name.

You and I will probably have a very heated and passionate courtship for, at most, six months. We will probably fall head-over-heals in love with each other during this time. You loving me for loving you; and me loving you to try to get you to love me. We’ll have a lot of fun together, but then this letter will be forwarded to someone else. You’ll pretend you don’t care and cut me off. I’ll try to win you back for a while, and then hit a breaking point.

But, like I said, it was really nice meeting you the other night. We still on for coffee on Thursday?

November 11, 2009

[To see the blog at Creative Loafing, click here.]

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