Lesbian sex: A guide for douchebags

“So, what is ’sex’ for lesbians, anyway? I mean, neither of you have a dick, so it’s not like you can really fuck. You just haven’t been fucked by the right dick yet.”

You know, you’re right, guy who still high-fives and wears Ed Hardy shirts. Obviously we dykes can’t have “real” sex. “Real” sex requires use of your giant cock. You describe “sex” as the act of penetration. And even though I can penetrate a woman using other methods, and probably find her G-spot more quickly and efficiently than you can, I’m not having real sex with her. It’s ‘cause I can’t cum in her butt crack, isn’t it? Don’t be shy…you know that’s your jizz-catching area of choice…usually ‘cause you’re fucking her doggy-style…or you just have it in her asshole…I’m not insinuating you’re a closet homo or anything. Your protein shake is ready.

As stated by Jenny Schecter, in Showtime’s The L Word, “The primary sex act for women involves giving one’s partner the best and most mind-blowing orgasm.” With that said, “sex” could be anything from watching your partner fly solo with her vibrator, to fucking her with a strap-on. Penetration is usually encouraged, but not necessary. Some of us, however, get our rocks off simply by “topping” our lovers. We don’t necessarily want anything in return; we just want to make our ladies cum. Hard. And often.

So to answer your question, Broseph, pleasuring a woman with my mouth isn’t just “oral,” it’s sex. And penetrating her with my hand isn’t just “fingering” her, it’s sex. And using a dildo or strap-on with her isn’t “pretending to have a dick,” it’s sex. We’re not fucking each other because we haven’t met you yet, we’re fucking each other because we like to fuck women. It’s okay, honey…I’d be jealous of my black 9-inch too.

August 31, 2009

[To see the blog at Creative Loafing, click here.]

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One Response to “Lesbian sex: A guide for douchebags”

  1. Me Says:

    Good points, I think I will definitely subscribe! I’ll go and read some more! What do you see the future of this being?

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