Jesus. Gay. I’m not kidding.

I find it utterly ridonkulous that “pro-gay” is even an issue.

That’s like saying “pro-black,” “pro-homo-sapien” or “pro-wipe-then-look-at-it.” It’s just inevitable. Like chicken pox. It’s not a fucking choice, people. Hi. Hello. Welcome to the 21st century. Nice to see you here. Try the punch. Take a name tag, and write on it with a Sharpie: “I’m a big-headed, hairy-ear’d, ignorant, giant-pored, greasy-nosed, country-club-going, Polo-shirt-wearing, horrible-for-the-environment-vehicle-driving, I-cheat-on-my-wife-at-the-Gentlemen’s-club-every-chance-I-get, fat-head-of-an-individual.” You’ll feel right at home. And while you’re at it, hit on the underage girl serving the Taquitos. And for everyone else, you should just know better. We minorities have to stick together.

Yeah, I chose to be gay. I chose to have my parents not understand me. And not really want to be around me. And not want to tell their friends about me and my “roommate,” or “best friend,” in fear of, holy shit, having to defend gay rights. Gay rights. That, in itself, is a cacophony to me. Yeah, I chose to have my grandmother consider my male cousin the only one capable of carrying on the “Bishop” name. I chose to be the black sheep not only by birth, but sexual orientation. Fuck all that noise. Because that’s what it is. Fucking noise. Like the band Nickelback. There’s no substance, it’s just mindless crap that the white Republican majority pushes on us, masquerading as quality, when really, it’s dog poo. There’s no purpose. It’s just space-filler. I mean, do you really care, rich housewife whose husband paid for your fake tits by defending a man in court who broke into someone’s house, tripped over a Playstation cord, smashed his face into the television set and had to have his jaw re-wired and then won a settlement against the person whose house he broke into in the first place? No. I didn’t think so. Because you know your friends are mostly fabulous homosexual men, you ignorant bitch. You would be in the dark without those Mo’s.

Everyone is so busy talking about this shit, that when real shit is going down, say, I don’t know, a war that has no rational meaning or purpose whatsoever, where thousands of soldiers, “model Americans” (”model Americans” that aren’t allowed to be gay, mind you. That masturbate in the shower, open-mouthed about their fellow Private’s privates, mind you), are being killed by the day, and tortured, and innocent people are being raped, pillaged and slaughtered. Yeah, having same-sex sex is definitely the biggest of our worries. It should be remedied immediately. I mean, what’s next? Animals?!

That’s where people always go. Straight. Gay. Bestiality. I wasn’t aware that the sexual orientation chain progressed like that. Maybe I’m just naive. I mean, I love animals, but there’s a line one must draw. A friend of mine came up with her rules of sex: “No animals, no children, no dead people.” I think it’s brilliant.

So. “Tolerant.” That’s another funny one to me. According to Webster’s dictionary, the word “tolerant” means: “marked by forbearance or endurance.” How, exactly, does one endure a people? It’s estimated that 1 in 5 are gay, mind you. (Geez, I’m minding you a lot today. I try to make you feel important when I can. I’m a giver.) It’s just weird, ya know? To use that word. I mean, you tolerate a cold. You tolerate when someone is doing 45 in the left lane. You tolerate when you get your period in the middle of the day and you don’t have a tampon, so you have to wad up some toilet paper and stuff it in your junk. You don’t tolerate a group of people.

Let’s just think about this for a second…who are the minorities around here? Well, there are the Blacks, Latinos y Latinas, Asians, Jews, Indians, Native Americans (who are native to America, mind you…there I go again…), Bi-racial Americans, Pacific-Islanders, the LGBT crowd, women…everyone except white males. At this point, I think transgendered and transsexual people are just too much to fathom. It’s sad, but true. I mean, homos are barely getting by. I really do think that there are lesbian-identified men out there; I just don’t think the world is ready for them. Sure, we have a new President, but white Republicans (who are predominantly Christian) rule the world.

I mean, I believe in Jesus. I really do. I believe that he was a Jew that knew more than most and tried to teach people the way to enlightenment. I just think there are people like that sometimes: Siddhartha Gautama, Gandhi, George Michael. I think that the fact that people worship him would make even him laugh. He happened to die for some people’s sins and prove himself as an exemplary individual. He proved himself as more than a man, but I believe many people, somehow, stumble upon the path of righteousness and are capable enough to recognize its power. Jesus may have seeked reverence, but he definitely didn’t seek submission. Not if he were the Jesus that I’m thinking of. People who “get it” wish for others to “get it”; not for people to idolize them for “getting it.”

Publicity is always nice, though. Who is Jesus for being any different? He soaked that shit up. He was like, “Oh yeah? Watch me resurrect, motherfuckers.” Jesus was always a bit of an attention whore.

So Jesus. I bet Jesus could give a mean BJ. I know I’m probably going to hell for saying that, if I believed in such a place, but if Jesus is the Jesus I’m thinking of, he has a sense of humor. Side note: That makes me think how I always want to spell things like Europeans do, such as “flavour” or “colour.” It just makes it seem more intelligent. Trés chic, if you will. Jesus as my witness. I mean my Homeboy. He’s a Superstar! I mean, What Would Jesus Do?

I believe Jesus was, in fact, gay. First of all, hello, rope sandals? Secondly, water into wine? What? Like a vintage Pinot Noir? Fag. What about some Natty Ice? No? I didn’t think so. Third, did you see that babyface? That’s like every 43-year-old weenie-smoker’s dream. And Jesus was born in like 5 BCE, so that’s some phenomenal age preservation. Yeah, that’s not gay. Whatsoever.

August 10, 2009

[To see the blog at Creative Loafing, click here.]


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